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Why
you don't want to date a programmer
The truth is, their minds are warped -- take it from one who
knows
by Arlo Leach
Computer programmers are a rare breed. They circulate
blood and breathe oxygen just like normal people, and from a distance,
they're often indistinguishable from the rest of us. But when
you've talked to programmers, you've probably noticed something
odd, as if their brains worked a little too much like the microchips
they spend all their time with. That's great if you're looking
for someone to write software for your company, but if you're
looking for someone with whom to share life's special moments,
it's probably safe to say that you deserve better.
They don't mince words
Programmers are trained to do less with more. They don't like
extra words, sentences, or paragraphs in their code, and they
don't like it in your conversation, either. If you can imagine
spending all day trying to condense ten lines of code into five
lines of code, then you can imagine how a programmer feels when
you spend five minutes answering the question, "Where should
we go for dinner?"
They expect precise communication
In programming languages, any given word can only mean one thing.
More importantly, any given sequence of words can only mean one
thing. But in human languages, not only do words have different
definitions and connotations, but sentences and paragraphs contain
subtle shadings that can lead to a variety of interpretations.
Life with a programmer is a life filled with misunderstandings,
because programmers will always assume they know what you mean
-- because they'll assume you can only mean one thing.
They expect consistency
When it's working, a computer program functions the same way every
time you run it; it's not affected by bad moods, forgetfulness,
or a desire for spontaneity. And when something does go wrong,
the explanation, no matter how well hidden, is always completely
logical. Humans, of course, aren't so predictable -- but that
doesn't mean a programmer won't instinctively try to debug your
unexpected behavior, and get frustrated when there are no "fixes"
to be found.
They live in their brains
Programming is an almost entirely cerebral activity. The only
physical component is typing -- and not even that, when you're
just staring at the screen trying to decipher some code. Consequently,
programmers tend to lose touch with their physical needs. They're
late for meals, they forget to wear a scarf, they don't come to
bed. Bringing food or drinks will be appreciated, when it's noticed;
just don't suggest that some fresh air or a break will help move
things along. Every programmer knows that the only way to solve
a problem is to think harder!
They can't stand inefficiency
The ultimate mark of a skilled programmer is the ability to write
a program that runs as quickly as possible. This means it's perfectly
appropriate to spend hours trying to shave milliseconds off of
a routine. Consequently, programmers end up analyzing every activity
and figuring out how it could be faster. They don't like the way
you do dishes? They don't like the route you take to work? Do
you have any idea how much thought they've put into these things?
Until you can prove, quantitatively and verifiably, that your
method is as good or better, you might as well make way for the
expert.
Conclusion
Now you know what you're in for if you end up spending serious
time with a programmer. But if love plays a treacherous role and
tempts you to disregard these warnings, there are a few advantages.
You'll have plenty of time to spend with your friends, you'll
get free tech support whenever you need it, and you'll always
have access to a fast Internet connection.
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