Type A Learning Agency

Five Internet myths dispelled
by Matt Helbing

In every culture, humans have developed myths to explain aspects of their world not easily explained otherwise. Myth has served to enlighten us in ways that science and other ways of learning have previously been unable to accommodate. Where did we come from? What does the future hold? Universal questions such as these have yielded some of the most beautiful and bizarre answers in the form of mythological stories. Nearly everyone is familiar with the story of Icarus, who flew too close to the sun with wings of wax and fell to earth in failure. Or the story of Ra, the sun god, who brought warmth and light to ancient Egypt. Or the story of Zamfir, whose hypnotic pan-flute stylings enslaved the souls of millions worldwide for only $19.95.

With computers and technology rapidly advancing our acquisition of information, we are blessed with a more intricate knowledge of our universe than ever before. Yet, even with all of our apparent progress, a modern myth has arisen: the myth of technology, which is far more dangerous than its predecessors. Imagine the catastrophes that could result if myth, not science, guided our nuclear power plant technicians. The last words you want to hear are, "Hey Herb, if you don't feed Isis that sacrificial goat she's gonna overheat the core." After fielding questions like "How may gigs of megs are in your windows?" on a daily basis, I know how scary technology can be in the wrong hands.

Join me now as I set out to quash some of the more dangerous technology myths that are slowly taking hold of modern society as we know it.

Myth: Behind every great website is a great Webmaster.

Reality: Actually, there is only one all-knowing and all-powerful Webmaster who rules over all websites in the universe. He sports a silver beard in the summer and Birkenstocks in the winter. Becoming Webmaster is no easy task: this is an appointed position, similar to Beastmaster, Dungeonmaster, and Grillmaster. Applicants must endure a rigorous selection process, culminating in Hell Week, which features a challenging two-fingered typing exam. Hell Week reduces 92% of the candidates to babbling idiots who afterwards are only capable of typing on a Simon. Interested applicants should forward their résumé, a three-page essay detailing why they deserve to rule the web with an iron fist, and a letter of recommendation from a US Senator.

Myth: The Internet is a vast network of intricately connected computers and related devices.

Reality: This silly idea is a favorite inside joke of many technical support professionals. Even Greg, the HR employee who can't unplug his mouse without disconnecting the corporate T1, is hip to the truth: all Internet services, including email, web, and file sharing, are controlled by the ubiquitous Server. The next time you can't visit google to search for Britney Spears photos, impress your tech support staff by confidently bellowing, "I think the Server is down!"

Myth: There's something online for web surfers of all ages.

Reality: Try telling that to my 80 year-old grandma. She asked for a computer for her birthday so she could surf. After dinner we found her hanging 10 on her iMac in the neighbor's kiddie pool.

Myth: Most technology jargon and associated acronyms were created by marketing hacks to excite the interest of the public and have no real meaning.

Reality: Just a little FYI for the ignorant. Vertically-oriented dot-coms and portals empower MCSEs to leverage their flashtastic ASP and JSPs towards end-to-end, plug and play, WYSIWYG b2b e-solutions, Jack, so get with the program!

Myth: Web development careers are for computer scientists only.

Reality: This is simply not true. Just ask the folks at Type A. We pride ourselves on our highly refined writing skills as well as our technical skills. Programming languages are called programming languages because they truly are languages. The products of language are meant to be read, interpreted, and ultimately understood. For example, isn’t it obvious that one of our highly skilled writers is responsible for this beautiful prose?

	$value = (@pair > 1) ? @pair[1] : "";
	if ($value =~ /,/) {
		@{$key} = split(",", $value);
	} else {
		if ($key !~ /template/) {
			@{$key}[0] = $value;
		} else {
			$template = $value;
		}
 	}